Weight-in: 182lbs

I have been away for a month. The first three weeks I was at conferences. Even though I did my best to exercies, some of the time I had no access to a gym. And it is hard to eat well when somebody else is preparing your food. I have been back to normal (sort of) for a week now. I started running again. It is amazing how much cardio-fitness I have lost. I "ran" every day last week but the longest I can actually run without walking is about 10 min right now. The first day I ran in 1min intervals. I have found a 3.5mile loop around my house with one major hill. I think my first goal is to be able to do the entire loop only walking up the hill. Then I will move to a longer loop. There are a lot of hills in CA.

It is also time to start keeping track of my weight. For the past month I didn't have a scale but now I should have one for the next five weeks. I will try to weigh-in on Mondays at the gym. I am not thrilled with my starting point but actually I have at least not gained weight since May so it is not so bad.

What am I doing here?

A couple of years ago a very long relationship I was in ended in a nasty way. While I was happy in the relationship, it also stopped me from developing my indentity fully. The relationship was really unstable the whole time so I was putting a lot of time and energy into it. Meanwhile I was in grad school so that took a lot of time and energy too. The result was that I had no time and energy for anything else. I was 200lbs, had no hobbies and no friends. 

Losing the relationship seemed like the end of the world to me. I spent months crying, not eating and thinking about death. I had spent years worshipping X and I figured if she could lie and cheat there was no hope for the world. 

I have come a long way from those days. I started running which I mostly liked, I made some friends and started to look for other things that will make my life meaningful. I have actually stayed friends with X (lesbians have weird relationships or maybe just I do) although the relationship is often rocky and I dislike her current girlfriend. 

It would be nice if I could just say I was in a bad relationship and now all my issues are resolved but they are not. I had some work related stress in the beginning of the year, I stopped running and my weight climbed back up. I have trouble forming solid friendships and the moment I get close to a friend I balk and stop hanging out with them. I tend to be jealous and overly critical. I am also in a new relationship with a woman who loves me a lot and I love her but I feel that our goals in life are too different and to be honest I just want out of the relationship but I don't want to hurt her. She is also really loving and I seem to go for people who are not really into me which is bad. I am sure it has to do with me not liking myself enough so no respecting anybody who likes me. 

So for 3 months I will be in CA with X and away from C(urrent). I hope to get my body and my mind to a good place so when I move to the Midwest in the fall I know more about myself and can deal better with my new environment. The one thing I am sure about is that I want to lose 40lb and run the Houston marathon in January in 4:30 so that is the concrete goal.  Hopefully I will figure out what other things I want/don't want during the hours spent running.