Christmas stuff and how much I hate clutter

Well, I don't really have much of a family and I am used to spending the holidays alone. I kind of like it actually. Until very recently I always found some friend who needed dog sitting and spent a few quite days alone while the rest of the world was going crazy. Well, this year I kind of had to go crazy with the world. I spent Christmas with my girlfriend's family. They were very nice, let me bring some of my animals along (now I have my own animals and I have discovered how impossible it is to find a dog sitter over the holidays) and made sure there was vegetarian food for me. I ate too much, mostly crap,  and spend a total of 12 hours driving in the span of 60 hours. However when I finally got home I did go to the gym (I was practically the only person there on Christmas day) and ran my scheduled 3 miles.

Now the question is what do I do with the stuff I got. I am kind of a minimalist and I hate getting stuff as presents. It is never really stuff I need but I feel guilty giving it away. For example I got a set of closet organizer bags. The set is huge because the bags are really good quality with fabric reinforcement. That is all great but I keep my closet about 60% full and through away everything else. This thing comes with a show storage thing for 18 pairs of shoes! I currently own a total of 7 pairs of shoes and of those 4 just need to get thrown away the next time I go through my closet. There are also under-the-bed bags. I hate putting stuff under my bed. If I am storing it under the bed that just means I don't really need it. Plus my cats like to sleep there. My girlfriend and I also got a set of 8 glasses. We already have way too many glasses, mainly presents for my girlfriend from her family.  I have a really hard time convincing my  girlfriend to throw away stuff. The result is that we have a ``storage" room where I am not allowed to enter (and one really cannot enter it) full of stuff we don't need. When I am surrounded by stuff I just feel stressed out all the time. I need space not stuff! So I don't know what to do because it is her family so I don't want to be rude. Any ideas?

Freezing!

The windchill is something like -30 out there. It is really, really cold. I feel so bad for the little bunnies and squirrels. I am staying home today. 

I ran my first 3M yesterday. I was kind of slow because I was scared of not finishing but it was OK. It took me about 35min. I am still very excited about my 8K run. I just hope it is not -30 that day.

Settling in for the long haul

The last few days haven't been good foodwise. Not 7000 cal horrible, maybe just 2500 cal bad but after eating fewer calories for a while that maybe enough to show a gain tomorrow. And that would be a bummer. 

I am not sure analyzing why I ate would really help. It is winter break for me (I teach) so my routine changed and with that, my very new eating habits. It is hard for me to not have a routine and that is what the holidays are all about. In the next month I will make several trips to visit relatives and also I will go to a conference. There will be some emotional bumps along the way (meeting people who bring painful memories from the past). I think the best thing for me to do is forget about a ``deadline" by which to lose the weight and just take care of myself each day. A lot of people this season have been talking about making a choice between gaining, maintaining and losing over the holidays.  I think my goal should be not to gain. My focus should be to take care of myself and eating a box of cookies because I met my ex is not taking care of myself. But actually losing weight may be more stress than I want to add to my life. I think I will keep trying to lose weight but it is important to me not to set weightloss goal right now. Chances are I will not achieve them which will just make me disappointed with myself and send me straight to the cookie jar.

The one thing I am not giving up though is my training for the 5 mile race on January 17. I am almost done with week 2. Running makes me feel better emotionally and I am unlikely to eat a jar of cookies if I know I have to run with all those cookies in my tummy later. I will also continue to write down everything I eat so I am more mindful of what I am putting in my mouth.

Yesterday I had kind of a breakthrough. I generally lack self-confidence and it is fairly common for me to put myself down. It is supposed to be kind of a joke between me and some of my friends but it is bad. I am trying to start respecting myself and maybe even loving myself regardless of my weight. So a friend of mine made a joking comment. We are going to a conference together and I booked us into a hotel that is too far from the conference center. So she jokingly said how next year she will find a different roommate. Well, in the past I would have said something about doing better next year (I tend to be clingy with with friend and do anything to please her and we both know it). So this time I said something about how that would mean she would be missing on an opportunity to room with me. I think we were both kind of surprised I said that. I don't really believe that spending time with me is an ``opportunity". I most of the time believe I should be the one grateful that the other person chose to spend time with me. Anyway, she said ``Wow, you are very self-confident today". She is a nice person and I think she actually liked that I didn't do my usual ``Oh, please would you share with me. I will do anything to spend time with you" and I felt better. Maybe I can train myself to believe people might actually want to spend time with me. 

I have my first 3M training run today. I am excited and scared. I think I will lower the speed a bit to be sure I can finish it. At this point it is all about completing my runs. Maybe next semester I can think about actually getting faster and closer to my times from a year ago.

Late week 2 report

So here is the data from week 2;

Weightloss: 0.75

Avg daily calories: 1757

Avg net calories: 1507

I consumed a few more calories than in the first week so it is not surprising that my weightloss was smaller. oh well. It is going down and that is what I should focus on.

Why?

So, I have been thinking what my reasons to want to lose weight are. I don't want them to be ``I hate my body". I am tired of hating things about myself. I also don't really think I am doing it for health reasons. My BMI is under 30 (although not much under) and the evidence that having a BMI between 25 and 30 is bad for your health is pretty slim. I also don't really have trouble with everyday tasks. I can tie my shoes and do all of those little things that get hard with more weight. So why not stay at the weight I am at. So here are some reasons. And some of them I know are stupid.

1. I really do like running, I love how it makes me feel and I can't run much or I get injured at my current weight. The recommended top of the weight range to run (according to some runner magazine) is 132. No wonder I get injured. I don't need to get faster, although it would be nice, I just need to be able to run pain-free. (this is a really good reason)

2. I think I would really enjoy doing one of those organized week-long bike rides. I love being on the open road away from civilization. I don't really think I need to lose weight to do this but I think I would feel bad about myself if I am the biggest person on the ride. (this is a mediocre reason. It is more about what other people will think than about me. I think I will try to do a ride this summer regardless of my weight).

3. I love backpacking. The extra 50 lb pack on top of my extra 40lb of fat makes for a lot of weight. I do sometimes have trouble keeping up with my smaller friends. (this is a good reason, kind of like running.)

4. I currently kind of avoid sex. I am afraid that is one of those self-hatred reasons because I am pretty sure my partner likes my body. I think I need to work on how I feel about my body at whatever weight I am at. 

5. I want to wear jeans with tucked-in shirts. I guess this is again about how I feel about my body and what I think other people think about it. Not a very good reason.

6. There is this one person (don't we all have such a person) that I sort of want to show to I am hot. This is a really, really stupid reason. I meet this woman maybe once a year, I don't have much respect for her, and still I want to ``show her". She always makes comments about people's weight (and mind you she is about my size but always commenting on her friends and colleagues gaining 5 lb). She judges people based on their weight almost exclusively and I just don't want her to think she is better than me. This is a really stupid reason and I should really get over it.

7. Unfortunately I often believe I don't belong in certain groups because I am fat. Like I like running with people but I shy away from doing the training runs organized by various cubs and running stores because I know I will be the only fat person there and thus not fit in. I think I should start giving people more credit and believe they won't just look at me and decide I am too fat to talk to. Or I should at least test this. Even the times I do work-out with people, like my spin class, I never talk to anyone. Part of this is that I have a friend on a competitive adult swim team. There is one fat female swimmer. She is very, very good and fast and yet often people talk about her fluctuating weight and not about what amazing times she has. But just because there are immature people on my friend's swim team, that is a bad reason to assume all fit people are like that.

So I can probably keep going but I think the summary is that some of my reasons are valid and have to do with me being better at, or at least injury free, doing the activities I enjoy. Even though these are not essential like tying your shoes, they make my life better. Others have to do with the fact I just don't like my body and I need to work on that because when I think about it, my body is pretty amazing. It ran a marathon in under 5 hours only 8 months after I started running for the first time in 20 years. And it has taken my extra 40lbs of fat and my 50lb pack to the top of many mountains. It deserves my love and respect. And then there are reasons that have to do with me being afraid to do thinks I am capable of doing because I am afraid of not fitting in. I am afraid that when I talk to runners they are always thinking ``she is so fat, she can't be one of us." And I am sure some people do. But there are others who probably don't so I need to give those people a chance. And I need to give myself a chance to be part of the groups I want to be a part of. In this direction, next week I will try to make at least two spin classes (they are good cross training with my running anyway) and talk to somebody each time. Might not happen (the talking part) but I will try.

Week 2 and what is ahead

I finished week two with the very unimpressive loss of .75lb but I did complete the first week of the 8K running program successfully. I wish I could say I did everything right and the scale just didn't cooperate but that wouldn't be the truth. I am out of town and away from my food journal but when I get back home I will compute my average calories. It was probably 1800-1900/day though so can't really expect a weightloss.

I like that it is a new week and I can try again. This week might be challenging - I am out of town staying with friends for 4 day and thus completely not in control of my food. My friends are quite fit and health conscious though so I will probably get healthy, although not low cal, food. Last night we had really good thai food they cooked. It was good - veggies, lentils and rice. It did have coconut milk though which ended up meaning it had 78% of my daily fat requirement per serving. (As I said my friends are health conscious and the book they were using for the recipe had the calorie and nutrient breakdown of the meal. At least I knew what I was eating). I think I ended up with 1500 cal for the day and I ran 2.5 miles in the morning so that is pretty good. 

I will also not be able to run today and tomorrow and to run on Wednesday I will have to make a considerable effort (which I intent to make). I was planning to run outside while I am away from my gym but then this snowstorm hit. There is a sheet of ice outside and there is no way I am running. So I will just have to watch what I eat. I'll let you know how I do.

This morning when I opened my blogl I saw all these comments on some of my earlier posts. I was excited about that. I feel a little weird writing that post about my childhood and people actually reading it but I think it is good for me to be more open about who I am. I am not open with people at all in real life. 

Well, I am off to hit the shower before my friends and their kids wake-up.

Workout

7 I completed my last run for the week. 2 mi at 5.3. That brings my total to 7 mi for week one - exactly as. scheduled. Next week might be tough because I will be out of town for four days. But at least I am going towards a warmer climate so I might be able to run outside. I will run the morning before I leave and the night I come back which I think leaves only one outside run and it is a short one. Should be OK.

More ramblings

So, I thought some more about what I believe and what I learned as a child and realized - there are lots of things my parents told me I no longer believe. I think the reason fat=unlovable stuck is because it is reenforced every way by society. I can think of so many examples where people I respect made disparaging remarks about other people's weight. And just the general panic everyone goes into when the gain 5 lbs. It is clearly a very, very bad thing. I will have to do some more thinking about how I should feel about all of this.

A look at the past

I went to therapy yesterday. I don't go on a regular basis... how I got there actually doesn't matter but it was my first time talking to this woman. She made me think about my childhood which I never talk about and it was very emotional for me. I think I have blocked out big chunks of time. But I haven't actually forgotten them, which would be fine. They are still there, probably affecting me in all kinds of ways, that I don't even know about because I refuse to think about that time. So I thought maybe I should blog about it and get it out.

So here it goes... My childhood (or at least the weight related part of it)

I wasn't a fat kid, not even a chubby one but I was told I was fat and I completely believed it. Both my parents (and they are super nice people I love a lot) told me that. My mom was always on a diet (she wasn't chubby either). Things were kind of OK till I was about 10 or 11. I think around then I believed so firmly that I was fat, I started behaving like a fat kid and actually started to gain weight. Or maybe it was just puberty. Who knows.

The first time I remember being really traumatized about it was at a party. My parents were hanging out with another family who had a daughter about my age. I was probably around 11. I had gained some weight since the last time the other family had seen me. And somebody made a comment about my weight. I think the other girl made it first but then all the adults piped in. They all agreed and kind of laughed. I remember just wanting to disappear. It was awful! 

I also remember conversations with my father, I was maybe 13. He told me that ``there are passengers for every train" but if I didn't lose weight I probably won't like the men that will want to be with me. At the time I was almost my current height of 5'7" and maybe 150 lb. I also remember my father hanging out with his male friends and making comments about my weight.

The message was pretty clear - if I am fat nobody will love me. And 150 was definitely fat.

The other thing I remember is being told I couldn't do certain things because I was too fat. At some point I wanted to take an aerobics class (it was the 80's, aerobics was very cool) and my mom told me I was too fat and I had to lose some weight first. That was still around 12 or 13.  I also remember every time my mom bought me new jeans, she would buy them a size too small - to motivate me to lose weight. I would have to stuff myself in them. I remember fashioning my own system of bringing the button and the whole together with paperclips when they were just too small to button even lying down. Then I always wore really big long shirts to cover my stomach and my not really buttoned pants.  I am probably exaggerating, I am sure she got me some pants that fit. But I definitely remember going to school with paperclips keeping my pants on. I was about 13 then and steadily gaining weight.

At about age 12 I went on my first hard core diet. My mom had just had a second child and was on a diet to lose the pregnancy weight. I remember I read a book with diets and for severely obese people the book recommended 300 cal/day so that is what I went on. My mom and I wrote down what we ate everyday and I stayed between 300 and 400 cal. I don't really remember how long this lasted but I remember losing weight very quickly and my mom praising me. And we were doing it together so I felt very connected to her. My mom didn't generally have much time for me and we didn't do that many things together so it was great to be doing this together. I think this probably cemented the idea that when I am losing weight I am lovable. Anyway, as you can imagine 300 cal is quite drastic for a growing kid. My period stopped. Then one day I thought I was going to pass out at school. My mom had told me that if I get dizzy I should eat something very sweet and that will make me feel better. So I bought something sweet and ate it and then I just kept on eating and that was the end of that diet. It probably lasted 2 months total. I lost weight, I don't remember how much, but I never got to whatever my ``idea weight" was at the time.

One of the things that I had come to believe at the time was that I was too fat for certain things and that my body was gross. There were some physical things, like my mom didn't let me start shaving my legs because I was too fat to wear skirts or shorts. I was going to be allowed to shave when I lost the weight. In general I think I believed that my weight was the only thing that mattered about my appearance and until I lost the weight paying any attention to how I dressed was just pointless. Or even bad because I was supposed to be kind of invisible. 

In elementary school I ran track. I wasn't particularly good (my mom had been a really good runner) but I got plenty of exercise. As the pounds started creeping on, I was basically discouraged to do anything active, until I lost the weight. I remember when I was 14 and I had just moved to a new school. I was hanging out with some other girls and we decided to get icecream or something like that. To get there the girls decided to cut through this park and there was a fence around the park. Just a short one, probably waist high. All the girls jumped over it but I didn't think I could so I just said that I have changed my mind and didn't want to go and left. I knew they knew I was just too fat to get over the fence. 

I also remember I started eating for comfort around 12 or so. I would come home from school and there was nobody home and I would eat. I mostly ate things I didn't think anybody will notice that they were gone.  Like sugar straight from the jar. I also remember breaking into some chocolates my parents were saving to give as a present. When it was finally discovered that most of the chocolate is missing I denied having anything to do with it.

When I was maybe 15 I made my next serious dieting attempt. I was probably about 160-170. I lived away from my mom for a few months, it was the summer, I spent a lot of time playing active games with other kids (remember when teenagers actually used to play outside, not just hang out at the mall or talk on the phone?) and then I noticed I was losing weight. So I started trying to lose weight. And I was somewhat successful. I remember when my mom saw me next I was wearing one of those 2-seizes too small pants she had bought be and they actually fit. I remember her asking me how much I weighed and being proud of me. I felt like she liked me. 

I think part of it is that my biological father and my mom divorced when I was little and she really hated him at that point and I looked just like him. Which I was often told. I think maybe that is why I so rarely thought she liked me.

Anyway, by the time I was maybe 16 my mom had actually figured out that weighing 130lbs is not the meaning of life. She stayed fairly skinny for the rest of her life and she still continued to diet, but at some point she clearly stopped believing that any day that you spent overweight is a day lost from your life (this was something she told me when I was about 11 and I remember counting how many days I have shortened my life by by being overweight). I even remember her telling me at some point that a person with a smile on their face is much more attractive then at unhappy skinny person. I think she believed that much of the time.

Unfortunately 16 years of messages that I was fat and that was about the worst thing one can be have left a really deep mark. I think for the last 16 years I have been in recovery. And I have made a lot of progress.

Throughout college I believe I was in the 190's. I didn't really exercise beyond being a college student without a car which implies a certain amount of walking. I hated my body. I wore huge (and I mean huge --XXL men's) T-shirts. I never tried clothes on in the store. I knew a place where you could by T-shirts for $5. I always went there and bought the biggest size available. And I wore my roommate's hand me down pants. The interesting part is that I didn't think my roommate was grossly obese and I thought I was and yet I was wearing her pants.  Throughout college I lived with the thought I should lose weight but I don't remember making any sustained effort in that direction. 

My last year of college I met and fell in love with what I thought was the most amazing woman ever. We will call her X. She was much older than me. And one thing about her was that she was very active and totally not into dieting. One of the few people left without a food problem. She had been an athlete her whole life and at 35 she was swimming 2 hours almost every day, competed on a Master's team, biked. She was just amazing. And she just ate normal food. Well she was vegetarian but she never thought about how many calories were in her food. And she never ate to make herself feel better. She just had the most normal relationship with food I have ever seen. And she had a great body. So I fell in love. Hard. That relationship is beyond the scope of this (way too long) post. But she taught me some things and was probably the key person to help me unlearn some of the stuff I had learned as a child.

I started going to the school gym and became vegetarian (and still am). We did a lot of active stuff together. Mostly hiking. She was in way better shape than me but I think she liked the company. I don't think my weight changed much, just my activity level.

Then the year after I graduated I had some majorly stressful events and, well I think I was basically suicidal and just stopped eating. I had never done that before in my life. I lost a lot of weight. Maybe 25-30 lb. I think I was down to around 170. But I didn't care about the weight, I just wanted to die. Eventually I recovered and so did my weight. I was back to the 190's. A few years later, I was probably about 25, I jointed WW and lost 25 or so pounds again. I was almost at my top "healthy weight" range but never made it there. About that time though, and I am not sure why, I started to reject some of the ``you are too fat for this" messages I so firmly believed. Maybe because I had gone with X on several pretty hard core backpacking trips and although I struggled I loved every minute of it. And I was there with the fit people and I was keeping up. I remember the first time I actually went to the store, tried on clothes and bought sizes that actually fit me, about size 16 pants and L T-shirts. I still like wearing men's T-shirts. I also started going to ballroom classes. Dancing had always been my passion but I never did it because I was too fat. 

Somehow I regained the weight I lost with WW and was back in the 190's. At least when I regain I just go back to the 190's and don't gain any extra weight. 

Then, at age 29, another major even happened and I stopped eating again. I was down to 165lb in no time and just like the first time, that didn't make me happy because the goal was to die. But again I recovered and started my first running period.

After I started eating again, I discovered running. I love running. For the past 10 years I have been pretty much exercising on some sort of regular basis. It hasn't been perfect but I have definitely become a person who at least notices if I don't work out for a week. It is not always in the gym and sometimes I just walk to run errands but my early college days of no exercise are pretty much over, I think. But running and racing means exercising at a whole new level. I was running 4-5 times a week and really pushing myself. After less than a year of running, 8 months to be exact, I ran my first marathon. But I got injured and maybe just burned out and I stopped running and the weight crept on again. I haven't regained it all back and I want to stop gaining and I want to run but that is for the future. This post was just supposed to look at the past because with all the progress I have made, those first 16 years are still there and I definitely still believe that fat=unlovable and that is probably not a good thing to believe.

Well, it is now out there. I actually do feel better. I don't expect anyone will ever read this but it still feels better that if I had just written this on a piece of paper.

Work-out report

I just ran my two miles for the day at 5.3 mph. It was hard. But I did it!

My first follower! And other stuff.

Hi,

I have my first follower. This is kind of cool. I never think anybody cares about what I have to say. Anyway, now I actually do feel somewhat responsible not to just disappear. So, welcome to my blog.

In other news yesterday I ran the one mile I was supposed to based on my 8K training schedule. It was fine. I even ran it in around 11 min. To think this used to be my marathon pace just 8 months ago... Anyway, forward we go.

After my two "bad food" days I decided that perhaps part of my problem is that I have trouble handling success. When I am successful at something I also downplay it. And with weight loss it seems to be worse than in other areas. When I have lost weight before (I was actually right around 200 before I started running 2 years ago) I hated when people made comments about it. So I am going to practice being successful. I am going to do what lots of people tell you to - set up small goals and celebrate my achievements. So my first goal will be to get under 180. I am even going to make a ticker for it. I am currently around 185 so it shouldn't take very long. And when I get there I will do something to really celebrate this achievement and see how that feels. 

Hmm

So yesterday was kind of a bad day, again. I think I ended up with something like 2300 cal. I am definitely scared of losing weight. Isn't that weird?

I don't really have anything intelligent to say about it. I just didn't want it to be one of those time when I ``blow" it and give up. So here it is. I blew it. I will try to think about why it happened and I will post again soon if I have any interesting thoughts. But I am not giving up. This time I will resolve this. I might decide I like how big I am and don't want to lose weight at all or I will lose the weight. I can't keep hating myself about how much I weight and never doing anything about it. Either I decide I am happy or I lose weight till I am happy. 

Maybe that is actually the reason. I am very used to hating myself. I never think very highly of myself regardless of what I accomplish. I will analyze this on the thread mill today. Because no matter how much I weigh, I am running that 8K in 6 weeks. 

Weight update and first run

So I have my weight update for week 1. I lost 5 lbs. Yeah me!

I also picked an 8K to run in 6 weeks and did my first training run. I ran 2 mi @ 5.1 mph. I have to say I had trouble making it but I did make it without any stops so considering how long it has been since I ran last I am going to count it as a very successful workout!

Goals

Short term goals:

Eventually I want to run marathons again but here is a start. These two races are sort of close by . And they both happen to be 8Ks so I can see my progress. I can make a little training plan for getting from my current ``almost zero running ability" to an 8K in 6 weeks or so. I did run a marathon just 10 months ago so surely I have some hidden running training still left in me:

Frostbite 8K, Jan 17

Gaelic gallop, 8K, March 14 

Long term goals:

Run a half-marathon

Run a marathon

Ride across Nebraska, June 5 2009

or Ride across Kansas

Rough day yesterday

Even though I haven't posted for a few days I have been reading a lot of blogs. Now I have blogs I follow and I am getting to know the people writing them. I find them very helpful and inspirational.

I did really well for a few days but yesterday was kind of a disaster. And the funny thing is that I didn't really want the food I ate, I think losing weight just scares me. Lots of people have written about that. I think for me the reason is that I have all these goals that I want to achieve ``after I lose the weight" but all of these goals require a lot more work besides losing the weight. Right now I can say "I can't train for a marathon because I will injure myself because I am just too heavy to run." but I am not too heavy, then I will actually have to go run. I love running which is why running a marathon is a goal of mine but even though I love running in general it is often hard to get out the door, especially now when it is dark most of the time I am not at work and I first have to unbury my car from the snow first.

However I really do want to do all of these things and I think I just have to remember how much fun I actually will have doing them.

Anyway, yesterday was bad but not horrible. I ended up with 2400 cal which I still wrote down and no exercise. This also happens to be the end of my first week so here is the data:

Sunday        +1500       -350

Monday      +1350

Tuesday      +1500      -450

Wednesday +1350       -500

Thursday    +1550

Friday       +1450       -500

Saturday     +2400

_________________________

Total          + 11100 -1800

Avg           +1586    -257  = 1329 net cal

I like data, can you tell? :0)

So overall it doesn't look bad. I will make it to the gym later and weigh myself although I am sure I am holding at least a pound of extra water after the stuff I ate yesterday.

We'll now I am going to write a second post about my goals so maybe I can remind myself why I want to do those things.

Blogging might be fun after all

I spent a little bit of time playing around with the blog settings. Notice my new weight ticker!

I also really enjoyed reading some other blogs. I now have ``blogs I follow". I have never been into journalling but I am starting to enjoy this. I will probably be more of a reader than a writer, but who knows.

I also got this idea about a monthly calorie budget from "Escape from Obesity". I think I will try that.